Depression

-2nd February 2009
-Monday
-5.03pm

I'm so bored back home in Melaka but hey, I get to save lots by eating at home and not paying for anything when we go out to eat. It just dawned on me today why lately I've been putting on back my weight again is perhaps I'm just sad. For the last six month after J left for NZ, I put on the kilos slowly by slowly.First it was 1 kg then 2 kilos fluctuating between there and now after the NZ trip I lost 2 kilos then now New Year and I weigh myself today and got a shock. I'm 58 kilos. OMG! I used to weigh 51 kilos during my secondary school days and after graduation, I started to put on weight till around 57 kilos. Later, I went on a Youth Exchange Programme to Brazil for 1 year and before I knew it, I came home weighing around 63 kilos. I thought I could loose weight again but somehow the good food in Malaysia made me even fatter till 65 kilos. Occasionally, my weight would fluctuate all the way till 67 kilos. Then, I decided I am not going to live like this forever. I wanted to look good, I wanted to be able to get clothes easier, I wanted to make my bf proud to have a beautiful gf so I got myself into a slimming programme as soon as I got to KL to study.
It was then I slowly shed the kilos and after around 8 months I was weighing 52 kilos and I thought I was the happiest person on earth. I gained self confidence and I could just walk into a shop and getting clothes was much easier. My weight fluctuated to around 54 to 55 kilos and I was still quite happy with it. Then it all started when I had exam stress and J left for NZ my weight would fluctuate up and down. I went for treatment regularly but I know I did not have any more discipline. I was depressed, stressed, sad and just down all the time. Food was my only way of comfort and happiness. After my NZ trip I was like 58.7. I was shocked to the maximum. I went for treatment and came out at the weight of 57.6 kilos. I finally dropped to 57 kilos but who can imagine Chinese New Year was just round the corner. Aiyo, now I dare not even try to weigh myself. I drank the slimming coffee everyday without fail till I got my nose bleed as it is quite heaty. I didn't eat carbo at night and I ate so much fruits and vegetables but still I have no idea how I was able to put on weight. Pathetic !!!!
As soon as I go back to KL , I need to be really on crash diet. I don't want to go back being the old me though J likes me that way better (he said better to hug) but I don't care. I'm doing it for myself.