Driveless

-5th February 2009
-Thursday
-11.53pm

Another day has come to an end. Back in KL currently but I'm still having the new year mood. This year or rather for the past 6 months, I just attended class like a robot, went for tutorials as usual but how much I actually absorbed into my brain is a different issue. I didn't do any assignments and sometimes skipped a few classes. I am lazy this whole term and driveless as well. I have no push and drive to do anything.

Exams are in May and honestly I don't really have much time left but still I feel darn lazy to open the books to study. Sometimes thinking bout the exam fees does scare me...paid RM 4 K plus for it and tuition fees for 1 year is RM 5.5 K. With that in mind, I guess I should really study and not waste that money.
I was happy and contented beginning of last year till my exams as J was always or most of the time by my side. His trips to China and HK usually were 2 to 3 weeks max and he will be with me another 2 to 3 weeks or more before he flies to his next destination. I was happy with that arrangement. My mind was free from missing him and I was happily doing my revision while waiting for his return.

I know I sound pathetic because everything about me revolves around only J...J...and J. It's not really true but I would say my life would just crumble without J. Ever since J started working in NZ, I knew my life and our relationship was going to take a terrible turn. J has never ever stayed in any country for such a long period of time and being girls..like they say girls intuition, I knew that somehow J was going to be there for a very long time and no doubt J mentioned the other day he might need to be in NZ for at least 1 to 2 years. My whole life crashed as soon I heard that. I kept quiet but I was crying. I was in grieve. I am too now as I blog. I don't know how I am going to pull through my exams but I just got to.

Depression

-2nd February 2009
-Monday
-5.03pm

I'm so bored back home in Melaka but hey, I get to save lots by eating at home and not paying for anything when we go out to eat. It just dawned on me today why lately I've been putting on back my weight again is perhaps I'm just sad. For the last six month after J left for NZ, I put on the kilos slowly by slowly.First it was 1 kg then 2 kilos fluctuating between there and now after the NZ trip I lost 2 kilos then now New Year and I weigh myself today and got a shock. I'm 58 kilos. OMG! I used to weigh 51 kilos during my secondary school days and after graduation, I started to put on weight till around 57 kilos. Later, I went on a Youth Exchange Programme to Brazil for 1 year and before I knew it, I came home weighing around 63 kilos. I thought I could loose weight again but somehow the good food in Malaysia made me even fatter till 65 kilos. Occasionally, my weight would fluctuate all the way till 67 kilos. Then, I decided I am not going to live like this forever. I wanted to look good, I wanted to be able to get clothes easier, I wanted to make my bf proud to have a beautiful gf so I got myself into a slimming programme as soon as I got to KL to study.
It was then I slowly shed the kilos and after around 8 months I was weighing 52 kilos and I thought I was the happiest person on earth. I gained self confidence and I could just walk into a shop and getting clothes was much easier. My weight fluctuated to around 54 to 55 kilos and I was still quite happy with it. Then it all started when I had exam stress and J left for NZ my weight would fluctuate up and down. I went for treatment regularly but I know I did not have any more discipline. I was depressed, stressed, sad and just down all the time. Food was my only way of comfort and happiness. After my NZ trip I was like 58.7. I was shocked to the maximum. I went for treatment and came out at the weight of 57.6 kilos. I finally dropped to 57 kilos but who can imagine Chinese New Year was just round the corner. Aiyo, now I dare not even try to weigh myself. I drank the slimming coffee everyday without fail till I got my nose bleed as it is quite heaty. I didn't eat carbo at night and I ate so much fruits and vegetables but still I have no idea how I was able to put on weight. Pathetic !!!!
As soon as I go back to KL , I need to be really on crash diet. I don't want to go back being the old me though J likes me that way better (he said better to hug) but I don't care. I'm doing it for myself.

Hot & Cold

-30th January 2008
-Friday
-3.12 am

I was inspired to write this poem when i sms-ed to a friend that really means a lot to me although we knew each other recently. She gives me the feelings inside that just spark my desire to write. I can't describe the feelings that came over me. So, i released them and express myself in this poem...

Blush...
You always make me blush
The tingling sensation that flows throughout my cheeks
As you flatter me with the sweet words you speak

Gasp...
Your touch; your embrace
They send goose bumps down my spine
So chilling it makes it hard to breathe

Love...
The love you express to me
And all the love that you give to me
I know now what I live for

To feel you
To hold you
To kiss your lips and
To try my best to reach your soul

Never wanting to be away from you
To let go of your body
To let your hand separate from my grasp
How I long to have you by my side

These are the moments
When time should have no existence
Where it should never end and
Bring to reality you have to leave

Please don't leave...

A warm kiss goodbye
A cool spring breeze
A tear from my eye
The time has come that I must leave

So alone now
I know I'm still in your heart
"Only a phone call away" I say to myself
To ease the loneliness I feel

You complete me
You make me whole
You're my other half
You're the happiness I've waited for

You chase away my cloudy days
You put a twinkle in my darkest nights
All these days I've spent with you
I still don't know how to express the
emotions I feel

The only words that come to mind
Are words so commonly used
I want them to be unique
To release everything I feel

To me, they aren't enough
But yet, they'll have to do...

by James Tan


J doesn't do this kinda lovey dovey romantic stuff for me anymore :( No more loving smses or messages. After 6 months of the relationship guys usually change. Time flies, it's been 3 years and 4 months and we are still standing strong in this relationship. As J said, all we need is faith..yes faith! However, sometimes the distance is really killing me inside. So, whatever...one thing I would dearly wish for is for time to go back to 3 years and 4 months ago :)





Thanks baby for getting the DKNY perfume and the Ipod touch as my Christmas Pressie. Not forgetting the NZD 500 gift voucher from Max to spend. Love you lots.

You & I both

-28th January 2009
-Wednesday
-2.51pm

I'm bored...seriously bored. 3rd day of new year and I'm bored! Imagine! Fortunately I predicted I would be bored back in Melaka and hence I brought my Lappie home with my maxis 3G broadband. New Year was slightly more excited than usual.

Denise Keller was here with us. Haha. Yes, DENISE KELLER! Please don't be envious. She is my cousin....Her Granny and my granny are sisters. She was filming a documentary on Melaka and also CNY and finding her roots back in Mlk. Her programme will be aired on Discovery Travel roughly end of March on channel 707 on Astro. Pls do watch it. As usual, filming is not easy. Whole family had to pretend sitting around talking, laughing and do the usual tea ceremony. I pity the most is the lion dance troop. The had to literally perform the dance for 3 times. The main guy that was leading the dance and holding the head was sweating profusely. Hey but to compensate we did give them a VERY BIG ANG PAU - RM 280.00. So now I'm a star..glamour konon. Haha.

As usual did the normal family visitation in the afternoon on the first day and night I went out with friends. Did some catching up and stuff & second time konon glamour was I got to shake Melaka Chief Minister's hand - Dato Ali Rustam ( The most corrupted minister in Malaysia)....pls don't sue me for defamation. lol. It's a fact!!!!!

Second day, visited my future MIL. Haha. She cooked lunch for me. 4 dishes somore for just the 2 of us. According to her, James called her and told her when I visit please cook more in order for me to be FATTER. ( Hate that concept). Guys are weird..rather my bf is weird. He seems to like my older self when i was so much fatter. Anyway, back to MIL story. It was so much fun to be there. MIL told me James was such a rascal and mischievous boy while growing up. He used to be so hard headed and naughty. One very interesting conversation between mother and son during James last trip back which MIL told me.

J: Mummy, you don't know my gf very cheong hei ( Long winded) oh..
M: Very good oh! You don't want to listen to mummy so God gave you a cheong hei gf.
J: Oh mummy, so like that la...not siding me also..lol.

When I heard that I burst into laughter. Well, seems MIL likes me very much. Me happy :)Another crucial information found out...James can COOK!! What? He always asked me to cook this cook that for him when he is back and now...haha. I am going to make sure he COOKS for me. *Evil laughter*

Chinese New Year this year just seems different without J around. J is in NZ and V is in Malaysia. To me there are 3 occasions that are not to be missed. 1) Birthday, 2) Christmas & 3) Chinese New Year. Every single occasion represents a different meaning in my heart. Firstly, birthdays are important because is the day you grow 1 year older and I love celebrating it with my close ones. Yes, some ppl do say that it's just another day in a year and age is only a number. Another reason is coz my birthday and J's birthday is only 3 days apart and we have been celebrating every year together for the past 3 years and this year will be our 4th together but I know J won't be able to celebrate with me this year coz he needs to work in NZ. Secondly, Christmas is also the time to celebrate it with close and love ones. We go to church, sing christmas carols and pray together. Thirdly, Chinese New Year is a time where you get to have a gathering with our family and have a wonderful meal together. We talk, laugh, joke and just crap anything. We not only eat , eat and eat, we also show our respect towards elders by going on visitations and of course collecting ANG PAU. *smiles*. I love all these 3 occasions coz it's all surrounded by love and care for one another with love ones. J is not here and it makes a big difference to me. It's a quiet new year without J with me.

Anyway, I've not even blog bout my NZ trip last month. Guess I won't but I will upload a couple of pics here...












This is a very random pic but I simply loved it. It's just like a poster pic or introduction scene from series like The Practice..."Previously on The BAC Entourage".
Our very own version of The Practice...lol