-01-08-2007
-Wednesday-
-11.42pm
My Own Worst Enemy
I was annoyed when she kept calling me everyday, wanting to chat for hours. Yeah, she was persistent alright, she wanted me to spend some time on the phone with her as frequent as possible. I was irritated when she wanted me to keep on SMSing her every now and then, most of all, before I sleep and when I get up in the morning. Those were the times when I was far away from her. It happens every time I'm away from her.
Geez, it seemed so much like a routine to me already. It felt like I was in an office, with the boss wanting to monitor my every move that I have to report on my daily activities, or perhaps clock in and out. It was okay initially, but then it soon became a burden, a bother to me. I didn't like the idea of how she wants me to make it a point to inform her of my wellbeing everyday.
At one point, my patience ran out, and I snapped at her. I began SMSing her lesser and lesser everyday. I didn't even bother calling her, and when she called me, I turned her down. She would complain on why I wasn't SMSing her anymore, and questioned how important she was to me. And at that time, sadly, all I heard was bla bla bla, the end. I was busy with my friends, I hung out every day and night, with my busy schedule of activities.
Somehow I didn't see the need of contacting her that frequent, and I felt that she should think the same way too. I could go on for 3 to 4 days without any conversation with her at all, as I was too busy to even spare a thought about her. I was having so much fun, that she didn't even came across my mind, not even for a second.
I remember how she'd call me when I'm out with my friends, busy chatting and eating with them. She was trying to have a short but lovely conversation with me. But I felt irritated instead.... I chatted with her for a bit and then insisted that we hung up cos I wanted to get back to my friends. Then she begged me to talk just for a litle bit more, just that little bit more, so she can hear my voice and make herself happy. And you know what? I said no.... I said things to her, sentences, words that at that point, I didn't realize how hurtful they were. Yes, I said those...
"Nah, lets just talk tomorrow okay? U call me everyday anyway. Lets just continue tomorrow"
"I'm with my friends now, and I'm in the middle of a conversation with them, so I'd better get back to them okay."
"We can always talk tomorrow okay? Why are u so irritating? Moreover, this is only temporary, and when I get back there, you'll be so sick of me eventually!"
"Look, u're really getting on my nerves now. Dont you have friends as well? Go hang out with them or something okay? I've got my friends here, and it's rude to leave them for too long."
"Would you just hang up and stop bothering me? I need my space here okay, and u're definitely not giving me that. This is the only time I can really spend time with my friends, and when I get back, it'll be only you for the next 6 months!"
"Hey, why dont you do yourself a favor and go get a life man!"
"You want me to SMS you every damn minute or so, and when I don't reply, you'll call me and ask why. I find you very annoying you know that? Dont you have anything better to do?"
And all she could say was
"Dear.... just a little longer please...? I just wanna hear your voice for a while more. It makes me so happy, cos I miss you so much. Let me talk to you for a little longer okay? So that I can sleep tonight. Please dear? Please......"
She'd say those words again and again, begging me to prolong our conversation, even to the point where she broke down and wept pitifully. She cried begging me just to talk to her for a bit more, and yet I kept saying no to her, kept insisting that we hung up. At some point, I began to cut her off just like that. Then she'd call back, countless times..... just for me to reject her calls over and over again. I didn't realize what I've done, all the way, even after we ended.
Then when I got back, I got to know that she had spent a few hundred dollars on her phone bills itself. She paid it all through her meagrely small salary, which she saved up every month from working so hard on weekends. I could not believe what I saw... I could not believe the fact that she was willing to give so much for me, so much just to hear my voice. And what did I do in return???? I fuckin hurt her with my ignorance, with my mean words that I always seem to cleverly compose just to put her down. And what's worse, was that I didn't even realize what I've done!! Fuck !!!!
Over these past few days, things happened, and I spent a lot of time alone, just thinking. I finally realized..... what an asshole I was. What a jerk I was to her. I couldn't believe I said those things. I finally put myself in her shoes, and realized how hurtful it was to hear those words from someone you love so much. I realized a lot of things. I felt what she felt, that's all I can say.
I can now say, that it really stabs you when you miss someone so much, but yet that person don't seem to give a toss about you. Then you end up feeling lost and confused, on whether or not that thing called LOVE and SIGNIFICANCE still exists between you both. You start to question where you stand in their life. You feel like a fresh piece of shit. You feel so damn small, waiting by their feet, but yet they avoid you, cos u're a just a piece of shit anyway.
I know for sure now.... that it cuts so deep that it bleeds when you try so hard to call someone, blowing your phone bills just for the satisfaction of hearing their voice, only to find yourself being shoved away, brushed away. And worse.... being put down, by words that you wished you'd never wanted to hear, especially from them whom you loved so much.
I finally know how it feels.... to be treated like a huge fuckin pile of trash....
I was the biggest jerk ever, I admit, and nothing that I do now could change what I've done. That part of my life is called: Being an Asshole. A complete Asshole. Nothing more.
God, today I've realized a very significant mistake of my past. I've realized that what I did has brought so much pain to someone. I've realized that I kept blaming her for being 'inconvenient' to me, where all along, it was me who needed some correction.
I know I can't change the past..... but now that I'm with another person, I want to change. I wanna make sure she wont ever hear me say those words. I wanna make sure she gets all that I've failed to give in the past relationships.
Dear God... starting today, I promise I'll love her so much more that I can ever love someone, and believe me, that I'm constantly striving to treat her right, trying to be the best for her. And if I'm gonna have to end up falling hard over and over again, then so be it. I expect nothing in return from her.
So could You ever forgive me, for all the wrong things I've done before.....?
Could You?
I am my own worst enemy.
Enough said.....
Enough now.
This was written by a guy friend of mine and I can say that I cried after reading it. I can totally connect to it as I am totally the same as the girl in it and the guy is just like my guy. Well, most guys always feel that we girls are very irritating and blah blah blah. This just shows how much we sacrifice out of love. We sacrifice our time, money and it drains us mentally, physically and emotionally. It will be unfair to say the guys are not doing their part but well, to be honest, most of the time we girls put more effort into a relationship. One thing I'm very proud to say that at least my guy friend actually reflected on what he said and did to his girl. I wish my guy actually gave a thought to everything I did for him. I wished he appreciated and loved me as much as how I showed my love to him. I just hope this will give him a nudge!!! LOL! Truthfully, on the other hand I've began to realized that I actually gave him too much pressure and maybe I treated him like as if he was in a army boot camp and that he must report to me his entire schedule for the day. If my guy friend didn't give the illustration of the part where he felt like if he was being monitored by his boss in the office, It wouldn't have hit me so much on the head that I was exactly like that. I'm so sorry that I actually treated you like this. It never really struck me that I was capable of doing things that were just slowly pushing you away from me. Please forgive me!
My sadness, my madness, I'm my own saviour!!!!
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